Reusable Cake Boards

What is a cake board? This can be used to separate cake layers, provide protection between your cake stand and cake, and provide support for heavy cakes...

That said: they are often cardboard.

As a semi crunchy granola person, I do not want to use cardboard cake boards to separate my tiered cakes...

I also learned the hard way that cutting a cake on a marble cutting board runs the risk of gouging the board...

I have also realized that reusable cake boards are expensive! Especially the multipacks with different sizes.

My DIY solution:
Use a flat plastic plate! Or if you're like me and don't have one, wrap the bottom of a springform pan with layers of foil.  YES foil is still not ecofriendly, but I don't bake often enough to justify investing in reusable cake boards --- yet.

https://www.amazon.com/Plastic-Cake-Board-Set-4/dp/B07C2FCTP9

Recipe Nutrition Generator

N always asks how many calories in x,y,z - particularly for baked goods. I don't know that it's accurate, but the most convenient calculator I've found is VeryWellFit.com --- you can copy/paste the entire recipe, enter the number of servings and serving size.  You can then edit the ingredients as needed.

I find that it does best with decimal measures (1.75) rather than fractions (1 3/4).

https://www.verywellfit.com/recipe-nutrition-analyzer-4157076

Blackout Cake

As a precursor, I'll try to structure my posts as follows:

Brief blurb
Original Recipe Links
Important/Helpful Notes
Ingredients I used
Steps I followed (+ helpful notes in italics)
Final Thoughts


Blurb
I, like many other millenials, am obsessed with Bon Appetit's youtube channel.  They have capitalized, perfectly, on a generation's desire for consumable content, produced by highly skilled professionals that simultaneously relatable and perfectly polished. I enjoy Rick's recipes and style, so when he posted the video in May, I KNEW I had to try it.  I also knew then, as I do now, that my household is cutting back on refined/processed sugar. Finally, my birthday provided provenance - and the recipe did NOT disappoint.

The original recipe is: blackout cake + pudding filling + frosting
I baked: blackout cake + toasted coconut caramel + frosting

The toasted coconut caramel recipe was lifted from Claire's Baking School - we were hosting an outdoor party, and keep our AC warm, so pudding was of no interest.

Original Recipes
BA Blackout Cake Video
BA Blackout Cake Recipe
BA Claire Makes (Toasted Coconut Caramel) Filling

Important notes:

• As with all baking, I find it so helpful to read recipe fully.
• RT = room temperature
• AP = all purpose
• I did not find it necessary to premeasure dry ingredients before mixing.  For my 2nd bake I realized it was better to separate wet to bring to RT.
• Original recipe calls for dark brown sugar, but I preferentially use turbinado sugar - I added approximately 1 tbsp of light maple syrup to compensate.
• Because I baked separately, I did not need to use my stand mixer - hand whisking was so perfectly easy, and I had no noticeable difference with final product.
• I had to double the recipe to produce a big enough cake.  partially because the first batch did not rise quite enough, and I did not split the batter well (my first 10" base was not tall enough).
• base layer = 2 x 10 inch torted into 4 layers
• top layer = 2x 6 inch
• My first base was not tall enough to torte, so I compensated in the 2nd
• My caramel seized on adding the heavy cream, partially because I didn't know what I was doing, but mostly because my smaller measuring cup was occupied (i was adding 1/4 cup, then measuring another amount, then adding).  In hindsight I needed to add sugar more slowly, measure all my cream and pour more slowly, while simultaneously stirring.  My heat was also too high, and the caramel basically started boiling (stovetop user error)

Original Recipe
yield: two 8-inch deep rounds
servings: 12 slices

Cake Ingredients
Unsalted butter, room temperature (for pans)
0.75 cup Dutch-processed cocoa powder, plus more for pans
1.5 cups all-purpose flour
1.5 teaspoons baking soda
0.75 teaspoon baking powder
1 large egg, room temperature
1 large egg yolk, room temperature
1.5 cups (packed) turbinado sugar
1 tablespoon maple syrup (sub molasses or golden syrup)
0.75 cup sour cream, room temperature
5 tablespoons vegetable oil
0.75 cups hot water
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
0.75 teaspoon kosher salt

Frosting
1 cup heavy cream
3 tablespoons maple syrup (sub molasses or  golden syrup)
⅛ teaspoon kosher salt
12 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped
0.75  cup sour cream, room temperature
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature

Toasted Coconut Caramel
2 cups shredded coconut (or flakes)
1 cup heavy cream
pinch of kosher salt

Cake Steps
1. Prep
- Set out anything that needs to be RT (cracked eggs, sour cream, butter). This can take several hours.

- Arrange a rack in center of oven; preheat to 350°

- Line pans with parchment paper

- Grease (on top of parchment) with butter, then dust with cocoa

- Tap out excess.

2. Dry

- Sift flour, baking soda, baking powder, and cocoa powder into a medium bowl

- Whisk to combine.

I measured all dry into a sieve, then pushed through with a chopstick.  Totally appropriate, as long as your bottom bowl is deep enough.

3. Wet
- Whisk egg, egg yolk, brown sugar, sour cream, oil, vanilla, salt.

I precracked eggs and premeasured sour cream (in separate bowls), to bring to RT. This made for very easy addition. You can store egg white in fridge (for use in 1 day) or freezer (for much later use).

4. Combine
- Whisk dry ingredients into wet, until just barely combined.
- Whisk hot water.
- Mixture should get shiny.

No need to add dry in parts - you can dump and go.

5. Divide and Bake
- Divide batter between prepared pans.
- Bake 25-35 min, until a tester inserted into the center comes out clean. Time will vary for smaller layers.
- Transfer pans to a wire rack; let cake cool completely in pan.
- Run a knife (or sharp thin spatula) around cake's circumference to separate from pan.
- Invert onto a plate (or your hand, but be careful if your hands run hot - caketop may stick to your hand). Gently peel the parchment off.
- Invert again (so it's right side up).

You can toast coconut while your oven is still hot.I baked both small and large together on the middle rack, with no appreciable issues.Cake can be baked 2 days ahead. Store tightly wrapped at room temperature.  For same day prep, chill the cake before torting and assembly. 

Frosting
- Bring cream, syrup, and salt to a boil in a large saucepan over medium-high heat.
- Remove from heat
- Stir in chocolate, sour cream, and butter.
- Let sit, stirring occasionally, until chocolate and butter are melted and mixture is smooth and no streaks of white remain.
- Transfer to a medium bowl, let sit at RT, stirring every 30 minutes or so, until thickened and spreadable.
- It will look ridiculous (like a broken chocolate sauce) but eventually will start to thicken.
- Stir until smooth.

My kitchen is very warm so I chilled frosting 5 minutes at a time. (BA says chill if warmer than 72°, otherwise let sit on counter for 1.5 hours, stirring every 30 min).

Stir to combine cooler outer edges with warmer center, then chill another 5 minutes. Repeat until it reaches the consistency of sour cream.

Filling


Assembly
- Using a serrated knife and sawing in long, even strokes, carefully torte cakes (cut them into 2 layers).
- Set aside the 3 best layers for use. Identify your layer order (tallest on bottom, most even on top)
- Crumble any extra layer into fine crumbs

crumbling can be done by hand (beware the cake is extremely moist) or push through a wire rack set inside a rimmed baking sheet (using a gentle circle motion

- Spread a small amount of caramel filling on a cake stand, tray,  or cake holder.
- Set your tallest layer, cut side up.
- Place a frosting ring around the outer layer of cake (to keep filling from oozing out)
- Spread filling in the middle.
- Put on your second layer
- Repeat (frosting ring, filling)

I had to go semi sparingly because I did not know my caramel yield relative to number of layers.  I placed a much thinner caramel layer between the cake's base layer and topper. You can use frosting+caramel to even out torting inconsistencies. Chill cake (approx 1 hr) before frosting.

- Lay down a crumb coat (spread a thin layer of frosting) all over top and sides of chilled cake.
- The frosting on top should be as smooth and level as possible.
- If using the crumb coat outside, the sides can look messy; Otherwise make that shit clean & smooth.
- Chill between layers of frosting for easier application.
- If applying crumb coat: press crumbs to the sides of the cake turning as you go.

Per BA: Cake can be assembled 1 day ahead. Chill uncovered.

Let sit (for a little while) before serving. 

Passing through airports

I travel somewhat frequently. I’ve always paid attention to the different “travel hacks” – how do I make travel smoother, easier, more efficient, more convenient…  It’s always hard not to notice the parents in this snippet of their day.  From the tiny noodles, to toddlers who won’t sit still; the 8 year olds who think they can do it all on their own, and the teenagers too cool to have anything to do with their adults.

It’s nearly impossible for me to limit my travel packing – how do these parents accomplish it without bringing ten million bags?  What are their secrets?

Today flying from dallas to atlanta, I notice this curious bright eyed hapa toddler (East Asian + White) observing the world from her mother’s arm.

My heart sings. My ovaries squeeze.

As they moved through the airport I wondered, how did she stay unflappably cool – Mother and Baby?  I wanted to ask all the questions and unload all the doubts.  How do you do it? How do you talk to her? How do you raise her? How do you impart what you know, and the multitude of everything you don’t? How do you leave your hangups at the door, and give them the room to grow and open doors of their own making?

I take my seat at the gate – and they sit next to me – affording the delightful privilege of voyeur.  Mom offers, calmly and evenly, a few different snacks – showing and asking Baby about fruits, then cheese, before Baby decides on goldfish.  Baby sticks her hand measuredly in and out that magical cup that lets fishes out when you want but keeps them inside as it knocks around Mom’s bag.

Mom pulls out a book! And baby reads along.  They sit and finish their book, and Baby is so content.  until she decides she wants to walk around.

Mom is so cool and calm and unruffled through it all.

Is this the secret to raising a baby? You stay calm through it all and never let baby see you sweat?

Eventually a middle aged Indian couple sits across from us.  They too look at baby and family.  I see something in their eyes.  Maybe recognition, maybe curiosity.  There is more than a passing glance for them, and I think of my own family.

Do they know that in this moment, I’m watching my full circle?  In them I see my husband’s parents? In Baby I see my own possible future? In Mom I see the veneer of traveling mother traits I would aspire to?

Clearly I am struggling with my motherhood decision – whether this is right for me and my immediate family of 2.

As 31 knocks, louder, and my ovaries approach the decrepit geriatric Cliff of 35, I hear this bell tolling. I feel this weight on my shoulders and inside.  Do I want this? Is this right for me?

In this age and era of choice, I HAVE this choice.  Our mothers before us did not.  So many women in the US and around the world, still do not.  Their reproductive rights are restricted and limited by men deciding in boardrooms, behind glass walls and closed doors, in ivory towers both literal and figurative, shaped by centuries of culture.

And here I am. A woman of privilege, and choice, and power.  I can choose.  But what do I choose?

For me this decision is complex, and I have yet to find a way to make it less so.

I think of the ever growing, endless pressure of climate change.  What is the world that I will leave behind? What is the legacy that my child will experience? And their children? Their children’s children?  Am I confining them to constant worry about sea level rise, floods, extreme weather, extreme heat, a lack of reliable food sources or famine, disease? We know these will drive political instability as governments and people fight over increasing limited resources. I recognize my privilege means I likely won’t experience much directly… and if I do, my family will have the resources and education to overcome.   But the fact remains these worries will be ever present and ever increasing.  And my child may not have the wherewithal and resources to deal with these things. They may worry about these things for their own children, in a more visceral way.

In my narrow, shortsighted way, I think about what that means for my little family of 2.  Gone are weekend trips, late nights out, quiet nights in.  While N’s career will pause, mine will take a hiatus with diminished returns when I rejoin the workforce.  Gone is our financial buffer – though to be clear we would by no means suffer.  These feel small, and petty, but they are nonetheless true.

A life without a child would likely mean true global careers - based abroad. Something we both thought we'd do.  Though there are some who raise global citizens by parenting abroad, this is not a path we are likely to choose with a small human.  But our domestic careers as they stand afford us, again, the privilege to do both domestic and global work that is rewarding, fulfilling, and financially stable (for him at least).

We love each other, naturally, N and I. But the sheer and absolute terror of loving a child, who relies on you and you alone for life, is overwhelming.  It is absolutely petrifying to have your own emotions wrapped up in a tiny human, moving in a world that you cannot control or make safe for them.

As we look ahead to old age, what then do we do in our dottage?  Our parents in many ways live for us their children.  We have the tacit and spoken understanding that we will be their caregivers.  What of us? What will give us purpose as we age? There is, as much as I am loath to admit, something special about being the parent of an adult child.

I think of N and I can see the ways he would be a wonderful, though firm, father. I wonder how he would indulge this non existent tiny human.  Would he share his love of flavors and cooking?  Would he calmly explain algebra and trigonometry?  Would he teach (real) futbol? It's hard to see N with a noodle, but sometimes I see these snippets and wonder if I'm depriving N and the noodle the joys of each other.

And with all this I haven't considered what it is to be a woman.  Trying. Pregnant. Post-Partum.  I am so completely terrified by post partum depression and psychosis.  I worry that I'm higher risk.  I worry about how I will reconcile my ME-ness, with Mother-ness, with ambition and drive.

real housewife of ATL: No Churn | Fresh Mint | Eggless | Ice Cream

as an ode to my kitchen efforts as a recent housewife, my first post is about my attempt to make eggless no churn mint ice-cream with fresh mint!

as a personal note, the significance of this is that my husband N loves oreo-mint ice cream (which is challenging to find in any company but Breyer's).  his mom (let's call her Mummy), does not eat eggs (like many Indian vegetarians). so this recipe will hopefully satisfy their tastebuds, and of course my own, too!

after scouring the internet and reading entirely too many recipes, i've decided on a method. maybe.

so here's debate 1:
fresh mint VS peppermint

since we grow mint, there's quite literally no reason to not use our yummy mint. especially since they likely will not make it past fall.

now, welcome to debate 2:
steeped mint VS minced VS steeped+minced

what i've decided to do is:
steep the mint leaves in a cream (which should not be allowed to boil, rather simmer gently)
~~as i'm writing this before starting the process, i may or may not pulverize the leaves with my immersion blender~~

on to debate 3 (which one would think precludes 1 and 2... and yet here we are): the question of which creams in quite literally any combination
whole milk
half & half (weird, right?)
heavy whipping cream
heavy cream (is this actually different from the above?)
condensed milk

given my method of steeping:
i must allow the cream to cool off, before combining them.  i've decided to use
heavy whipping and condensed milk, since that seems to be the most common combination

debate 4:
do i whip the heavy cream into stiff peaks prior to folding? or do i simply fold them together?
~~it seems like whipping first will yield the best results, so here's to that!~~


and finally: what the hell is the recipe?
the closest approximation is Beth Dunham's (link below), which i've repasted here.  the colored text indicates my morning-after tips and tricks based on the finished product


Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves (or however much you have or want to use)
• 2 cups whipping cream (i used heavy whipping cream)
• 1 can sweetened condensed milk (300ml)
• 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract i "forgot" to include this ---rather, i didn't think it would be necessary.
• 1/4 teaspoon pure peppermint extract (optional) as above, i wanted to use natural mint flavor.
• 160 grams dark chocolate bar - coarsely chopped this being my first attempt at ice cream, i didn't want to waste chocolate if the ice cream was terrible

Instructions:

• Coarsely chop the mint leaves and combine with the cream in a small saucepan over medium-low heat. Gently warm the mixture, stirring occasionally, until it feels hot to the touch. Don't let it come a boil. Remove the pan from the heat, cover and let steep for 20-30 minutes.
• on my electric stove top (the worst, i know) the setting i opted for was the 2nd or 3rd bar up from "low".  of course i was multitasking and the cream came to a boil.... but i carried on regardless!
• Chill the infusion until it very cold by placing the bowl in a larger bowl filled with ice or by placing it in the refrigerator for a few hours. The cream won't whip properly unless it is very cold, so don't try and rush this step.
• Strain the cream into a bowl, squeezing the mint in order to release as much liquid as possible.
• In the bowl of your stand-mixer, or using a large whisk, whip the cream until it holds gentle peaks. i tried to whisk by hand, but of course i was pressed for time when i got to this stage.  i switched to an immersion blender, but i didn't quite get the cream to hold stiff peaks... hence the ice cream is not quite ice cream today.
• here's a video of what whipping heavy cream by hand should look like, including stiff peaks
• Taste the cream to test for flavour, you may want to add a few drops of peppermint extract if it's not quite minty enough for your liking. it was very minty! and refreshing at this point.
• In a separate bowl, stir together the sweetened condensed milk with the vanilla until combined. again, i skipped the vanilla because i wasn't in the mood
• First fold in about a cup of the whipped cream to the sweetened condensed milk to lighten it a bit. Then add this mixture into the remaining whipped cream and continue to fold in until everything has been evenly incorporated.
• Finally, stir the dark chocolate bits through the mixture.
• Transfer to a container for freezing. This can be a chilled glass, chilled ceramic or metal loaf pan.
• i like to minimize the number of dirty dishes, and maximize the amount of batter/cream/food that makes it into whatever i'm working on that day.  so what i did was
• chill a pyrex bread loaf container (the final container for freezing the ice cream) when i started to warm the cream.
• after warming, i used a large measuring cup to chill the cream in the fridge (and i also covered it with plastic wrap).
• after chilling, i poured it all into the chilled glassware to whip the cream
• i reused the large measuring cup to mix the condensed milk and half of the whipped cream
• then reunited the two into the glassware for freezing!
• Cover the surface of the mixture with plastic wrap, and freeze for 5-6 hours until firm.

the internet would have me believe all methods are *essentially* equal... and only intending to make a single batch (this time), i shall happily report back about these results and update the post when i've tried another method.


RESULTS!

• In terms of mintyness, i'm pleased. however the condensed milk has an overpowering flavor of condensed-ness, which might be the reason the original recipe recommended vanilla. 
• in terms of texture, i did get little fat globules (i think that's what they are).
• it is delightfully rich and creamy, with no ice particles (hurrah!!)

And finally,
I'm doing some morning-after research and found some excellent tips & trips listed below
Common Homemade Ice Cream Issues @ Food52

recipe inspirations drawn from:
Beth Dunham
Amy @ The Idea Room
Haley @ Carrots for Michaelmas
Agnes @ Hello, Wonderful

feeling inspired

i already can't imagine what my life will be like after leaving SPH ... i love the interactions that i have every single day. i am impressed with peers and friends. every day i feel confident that positive, wonderful things will be accomplished in big and small ways ... knowing that i'm terrible at maintaining these relationships, i already feel the loss of these immediate interactions as we spread across the US and the world!

half-master summertime blog

so much to catch up on! so i'm going to do a quick debrief, categorize my life, then do longer posts.

April - went to FL and TX for awesome weddings; got aggravating immunizations; met Meri Jaan in AZ and hung out with the sibling; worked my ass off during finals; became a half master;

May - packed up my life and put in the basement; travelled with 2 checked bags, a carry-on and backpack for 4 months; kicked off summer with an epic boat day in the MIA; travelled 20+ hours with Meri Jaan for an engagement party in Belize; kicked it in K-Zoo with mother and Meri Jaan for our engagement katha (live streamed in two countries, no less); went to Chi-town for (more) wedding fun; moved to Grenada for 11 weeks;

June - started working at the Grenadian Ministry of Social Development (developing programming for local DV shelter); endless wedding planning;


since i've got so much to unpack, i'll use the following (self explanatory) tags
- shaadi musings
- grenada musings
- public health musings

the tags will likely be updated as summer progresses!  ...and hopefully i can keep up the blogging

what is going on???

man. everyone has opinions here, feels entitled to and righteous about those opinions. moreover entitled to share them, even when they are patently false. then media, operating under the guise of news, decides to sensationalize irrational pieces from emotional people who are not in an appropriate state of mind or awareness or even have factual basis. especially given the complex healthcare machine that has resulted from the ethos of the country. and all the horseradish is perpetuated through social media. piss off.

what is up with the mistrust of agencies designed to project? no they are not flawless, however being critical requires thinking about ALL policies not just those we disagree with.

what is up with patient entitlement?? no, you don't always know best! or better than people who have extensively studied how to treat your disease? doctors aren't always right, they aren't always free of biases, but generally their actions are thought out, and probably more so than someone who perceives unfair or inadequate treatment without disclosing specific details and doing appropriate discourse on why they received a particular plan of care.

what is the point of going to someone for care then undermining their efforts with chronic and public mistrust?

what is up with the physician hate?

man.

rant.out.

tonight

tonight i feel disconnected.  i have not found a single formal caribbean student organization at the university.  i am disappointed ---i simply cannot be the only one.

much less likely is a graduate student presence for either caribbean descended or work related interest groups.

on more than one occasion i have been told "you're probably going to have to identify with either the Latino student organization, or the African /African American student organizations" ... well ... i am neither.

my other thought for the night has been sparked a few things ... conversation around the new york times article on Shonda Rhimes (and responses)... emma watson's UN speech on feminism ... and the barrage of carnival related pictures, videos and posts on my ever informative facebook feed.

again, i do not stand on a moral soapbox.  i am simply reflecting, hopefully in a culturally humble, inoffensive, unbiased manner.

within each identity (ethnic minority, female gendered) are great inequities.  it is easy to feel them, be cognizant.  but at what point are we obligated, if ever, to take a stance through action?  conversation is wonderful, but stagnant inaction results in perpetuation.

when in a position of prominence and power, are we obligated to take a stance? to be that leader for whatever community may identify with us?  is that placing an unfair burden in an already burdensome situation fraught with the sheer stress associated with finding yourself there -in power, fighting the powers around you, to assert yourself as competent and strong, but understanding and flexible? no, it shouldn't be your burden alone to address or attempt to change.

being marginalised, advocating for something, --we can be typecast.  while it is not our problem to solve, we become bound to the perceptions others have of us and our work.  can we ever extricate ourselves from the big picture associated with us?  can we facilitate (or force) changes in perception?  are we then limited to work in the confines of that identity, because no matter what we do we are restricted?

as women, we should stand up for women.  she for she.  but that times article was just ... she for herself.

how do we stimulate broader conversations on race, ethnicity and the stereotypes?

Happy "Independence" Day

i don't stand on a moral soap box, or sit on a high horse.  frankly even if i tried, i wouldn't be a foot off the ground.  and i certainly don't take to social media to air my personal opinions.  but tonight is a little different.

today is Belize's Independence Day, and i want to sing the Land of the Free --but we are not free.

and so my heart aches.

for the often innocent bystanders, viciously sucked by gang related violence into what we tell ourselves is a better place.

for the hard working people living in fear for their safety.  who by virtue of where they live are in physical danger.

for the people at risk of any number of other very real dangers, through absolutely no fault of their own but by mere circumstance ---by virtue of their sex, gender, class, race, sexual orientation, educational attainment, physical ability, you name it.

four years ago on my second trip back to belize, sometime after midnight, i walked with a friend towards the former princess hotel and casino. we heard gunshots and from the corner of my eye a flash of light to go with it.  and through an alcohol-induced fog, my fight or flight never kicked in.  it wasn't until monday night news that i realized a chainlink fence and some bushes separated me from a crime scene.

it is courtesy of immense privilege that i can reflect on that, and know i am fortunate to only have such brief touches of violence in my life.

and so too can anyone reading this post claim privilege.  neither challenges nor strife preclude privilege.  cellphones, tablets, internet access, electricity, literacy.  a freaking place to put your head at night.  privileges that i know i take for granted, but remind myself of every morning --i wake up knowing i am safe, that i have food in my fridge, that i have the physical ability to get up and work, that i have the intellectual capacity to attend an incredible institution of higher learning.

so yes.  i have the privilege of sitting in the quiet, warm, safe confines of my apartment in one of the most intelligent cities in the US ------as sister city to Belize, no less.

but i sit here. saddened. frustrated. disappointed. by last week's events.  i don't think i have the right to claim grief over the passing of someone i shared a classroom with for almost ten years, but didn't speak with very often in the last 10.  i feel that would be a disservice to the good man it seems he became but i did not know.  it doesn't mean it doesn't hurts, so i grieve for the boy i once knew and the man i will never have the fortune of knowing.

violence is not the only measure of inequity in our 8800 square miles.

access to questionable healthcare, or no access at all.  access for the few wealthy that can afford it, or middle class who struggle to make healthcare an option for their loved ones.  where people don't know how to take care of their hypertension, or diabetes.  healthy food for those who can buy it and those who have been taught the importance of a balanced diet, in a culture where fresh vegetables are not a staple but red meat and carbohydrates are.  where we drink entirely too much, too often, and start too young.  where some people don't have electricity, or access to clean water.  or decent roads or transportation to facilitate their hour long commutes to cities where they can eke out a living.  where some women (read:girls) become wives and mothers before the age of 14.  where so many people are not able to lead safe, healthy, productive lives.

i don't need to look very far into my past or my life to be reminded that it is not a matter of choice for everyone.  some of us simply cannot do what we do not know.  some of us cannot do because we have no support around us, no hope of being different, no conception that different or better can exist.

i struggle every day with public health.  because i just don't know how much i can take home to belize, what good i could do.  i will not be a policy maker, and so much of what we need revolves around flawed policy and big ol' systems based issues.  i just want to be able to go home, talk to the people around the corner, and figure out how i can do some good in this world.  because i'm lucky that i can even conceptualize any of this, much less have the stroke of fortune to start a degree that will give me some of the skills i'll need.

i am a mercy girl, with good old jesuit teachings to top it off, and true to that i just want to live a life in service to others.  but i wish i had the courage, the audacity, to say that i'll be able to go home and find my niche and be of service to others. but i don't have that courage just yet to live or work in belize.  where technology has infiltrated so thoroughly, yet progress lags behind.  where we have more guns, and drugs, and corruption than we should.

i do not stand on a soapbox.  or sit on a horse.  and i hope never to do so.  but i hope to look at life through the lens of objectivity and cultural humility.

so yes, i could extol her virtues, this little country of mine that i hold so dear.  that truly i love.  that has helped shape me into the woman i am. but tonight, i cannot swallow the lump in my throat or put aside the heaviness in my heart.

i want to sing the Land of the Free.  but i can't remember the words.  or maybe i don't want to, because tonight, i just don't believe it.

anēkāntavāda

Tonight I read some more of Kim. And thought I should read about Jainism. anēkāntavāda.

One of the most important and fundamental doctrines of Jainism is anēkāntavāda. It refers to the principles of pluralism and multiplicity of viewpoints, and to the notion that truth and reality are perceived differently from diverse points of view, no single one of which is complete.^[20][21]

Jains contrast all attempts to proclaim absolute truth with this theory, which can be illustrated through the parable of the blind men and an elephant. In this story, each blind man feels a different part of an elephant: its trunk, leg, ear, and so on. All of them claim to understand and explain the true appearance of the elephant but, due to their limited perspectives, can only partly succeed.^[22] This principle is more formally stated by observing that objects are infinite in their qualities and modes of existence, so they cannot be completely grasped in all aspects and manifestations by finite human perception. Only Kevalins—omniscient beings—can comprehend objects in all aspects and manifestations; others are only capable of partial knowledge.^[23] Accordingly, no single, specific, human view can claim to represent absolute truth.^[20]

Anekāntavāda encourages its adherents to consider the views and beliefs of their rivals and opposing parties. Proponents of anekāntavāda apply this principle to religions and philosophies, reminding themselves that any of these—even Jainism—that clings too dogmatically to its own tenets is committing an error based on its limited point of view.^[24] The principle of anekāntavāda also influenced Mohandas Gandhi to adopt principles of religious tolerance, ahiṃsāand satyagraha.^[25]

to blog or not to blog v2

i started writing this post.  i realized it got personal.  i should probably ask the boy for his consent before i post something public.

the short is that i've been reading blogs by white girls with brown boys.

do i start my own to join the ranks?  or will reading be enough.

Post 1

After many moons, I decided to repurpose my blog.  As is fitting since I'm not who I was when I started.

The years have found me with a bachelor's degree followed by full time work at one of the largest academic medical centers / county hospital system in the US.  I've been exposed to a range of amazing physician and administrative mentors, a medical specialty that greatly suits what I believe my life goals to be, as well as innumerable side projects and endeavors.  Now I have not only a national network of colleagues and peers but a spectacular group of individuals that has long eclipsed the role of friends to become my extended family.  I have been afforded the privilege to spread my wings. And, in a few months, will be flying to my next step.

A Master's in Public Health! Yay!

While I think my family may be confused (and or concerned), it's not so much a detour as a lovely transition into med school -which remains on the plate.  That said, I can easily see myself becoming enamored with public health and taking a few years to explore the (vast) good that could be done.

The entire (overwhelming) application process, and subsequent (limited) decision making process, has forced me to not only think in abstracts but also verbalize, to commit on (virtual) paper, the when where why and how of what I want to do with my life.

It has forced me to question my personal ideals and goals.

It has forced me to be realistic about my capabilities.

I have questioned myself, my peers, value systems, medical systems, political systems, healthcare systems.

So, with equal parts excitement and sheer terror, in a few months I relocate!  And with open arms I embrace the opportunity to learn everything that I can.  The opportunity to be inspired by others.  To collaborate on projects -not just for my personal agendas, but to be a part of theirs too.  To continue understanding and redefining myself, what I hope to accomplish for my home and for every community I exist in,  where I hope to be in ten years, and the journey there.

Onwards, and upwards. Always.