Happy "Independence" Day

i don't stand on a moral soap box, or sit on a high horse.  frankly even if i tried, i wouldn't be a foot off the ground.  and i certainly don't take to social media to air my personal opinions.  but tonight is a little different.

today is Belize's Independence Day, and i want to sing the Land of the Free --but we are not free.

and so my heart aches.

for the often innocent bystanders, viciously sucked by gang related violence into what we tell ourselves is a better place.

for the hard working people living in fear for their safety.  who by virtue of where they live are in physical danger.

for the people at risk of any number of other very real dangers, through absolutely no fault of their own but by mere circumstance ---by virtue of their sex, gender, class, race, sexual orientation, educational attainment, physical ability, you name it.

four years ago on my second trip back to belize, sometime after midnight, i walked with a friend towards the former princess hotel and casino. we heard gunshots and from the corner of my eye a flash of light to go with it.  and through an alcohol-induced fog, my fight or flight never kicked in.  it wasn't until monday night news that i realized a chainlink fence and some bushes separated me from a crime scene.

it is courtesy of immense privilege that i can reflect on that, and know i am fortunate to only have such brief touches of violence in my life.

and so too can anyone reading this post claim privilege.  neither challenges nor strife preclude privilege.  cellphones, tablets, internet access, electricity, literacy.  a freaking place to put your head at night.  privileges that i know i take for granted, but remind myself of every morning --i wake up knowing i am safe, that i have food in my fridge, that i have the physical ability to get up and work, that i have the intellectual capacity to attend an incredible institution of higher learning.

so yes.  i have the privilege of sitting in the quiet, warm, safe confines of my apartment in one of the most intelligent cities in the US ------as sister city to Belize, no less.

but i sit here. saddened. frustrated. disappointed. by last week's events.  i don't think i have the right to claim grief over the passing of someone i shared a classroom with for almost ten years, but didn't speak with very often in the last 10.  i feel that would be a disservice to the good man it seems he became but i did not know.  it doesn't mean it doesn't hurts, so i grieve for the boy i once knew and the man i will never have the fortune of knowing.

violence is not the only measure of inequity in our 8800 square miles.

access to questionable healthcare, or no access at all.  access for the few wealthy that can afford it, or middle class who struggle to make healthcare an option for their loved ones.  where people don't know how to take care of their hypertension, or diabetes.  healthy food for those who can buy it and those who have been taught the importance of a balanced diet, in a culture where fresh vegetables are not a staple but red meat and carbohydrates are.  where we drink entirely too much, too often, and start too young.  where some people don't have electricity, or access to clean water.  or decent roads or transportation to facilitate their hour long commutes to cities where they can eke out a living.  where some women (read:girls) become wives and mothers before the age of 14.  where so many people are not able to lead safe, healthy, productive lives.

i don't need to look very far into my past or my life to be reminded that it is not a matter of choice for everyone.  some of us simply cannot do what we do not know.  some of us cannot do because we have no support around us, no hope of being different, no conception that different or better can exist.

i struggle every day with public health.  because i just don't know how much i can take home to belize, what good i could do.  i will not be a policy maker, and so much of what we need revolves around flawed policy and big ol' systems based issues.  i just want to be able to go home, talk to the people around the corner, and figure out how i can do some good in this world.  because i'm lucky that i can even conceptualize any of this, much less have the stroke of fortune to start a degree that will give me some of the skills i'll need.

i am a mercy girl, with good old jesuit teachings to top it off, and true to that i just want to live a life in service to others.  but i wish i had the courage, the audacity, to say that i'll be able to go home and find my niche and be of service to others. but i don't have that courage just yet to live or work in belize.  where technology has infiltrated so thoroughly, yet progress lags behind.  where we have more guns, and drugs, and corruption than we should.

i do not stand on a soapbox.  or sit on a horse.  and i hope never to do so.  but i hope to look at life through the lens of objectivity and cultural humility.

so yes, i could extol her virtues, this little country of mine that i hold so dear.  that truly i love.  that has helped shape me into the woman i am. but tonight, i cannot swallow the lump in my throat or put aside the heaviness in my heart.

i want to sing the Land of the Free.  but i can't remember the words.  or maybe i don't want to, because tonight, i just don't believe it.